Your life is hell…or its turning into hell. Living with a controlling husband is far more than compromise… its submission!
The charming, funny, sensible, supportive, loving man is now a very angry controlling husband.
Maybe you have been living with a controlling husband for a decade or less or even more.
Whatever the case we human beings, men and women are free entities.
And we don’t like or just can’t stand living in shackles.
Any kind of limitation to our freedom is unbearable and painful.
Also, husband and wives need to understand that there is a very thin line between control and attention.
When a husband says “Wear the red dress” or he says “I think the red dress will look better, don’t you think so” one can figure out the difference between control and attention.
Things to keep in mind when living with a controlling husband.
1. Anyone Can be Controlling.
Parents, siblings, colleagues, children, friends, your boss, and partners., anyone can be controlling.
Controlling behavior is one of the most toxic traits of human beings. The controllers fail to understand that they lose love, respect, and distance themselves from their loved ones.
However, it’s easier to distance yourself from controlling parents, siblings or other relations but separating from a controlling spouse is a tough task, especially if children are involved too.
2. What Gives Rise to Controlling Behavior
“The ego is a veil between humans and God”
“In prayer, all are equal” Rumi
It’s this ego that creates a sense of individuality and thus tends to separate us from others.
The more developed the ego, more control it wishes to exert and finds it hard to trust and let go.
A disturbed childhood, a vacuum in early relationships, fear, anxiety all these factors contribute towards conditioning a person ego.
And an egoistic person is more prone to becoming a controlling person.
Control can be in any form; whether it’s imposing your will on others, or belittling others, unsupportive behavior, or making fun of others in an unhealthy way.
Controlling behaviors are one of the most negative behavior.
Living with a Controlling Husband; Identifying Key Points
1. Did He Have a Controlled Childhood?
What baggage did you carry from home? This makes a huge difference in your life.
How are your husband’s parents and siblings? Do you feel that one person in his family is more dominant and can easily dictate others?
Was your husband ever bullied in school or were his parents too strict with him. Did your husband have a confident and bright childhood where he could easily share his opinions? Are open discussion and arguments encouraged within your in-laws or usually everyone minds their own business and are not very fun loving or friendly?
It can be that your husband has had some negative influences in his childhood. Especially if one of his parents was more controlling towards the other. Then this controlling behavior might be normal for him and he doesn’t even know if somethings wrong with him.
You see when a certain behavior is exercised for a very long time especially in front of a child, the child accepts it as normal.
Could be that your mother in law was living with a controlling husband and she never had the freedom to implement any of her ideas in the family.
Sometimes an elder brother or sister have a controlling behavior on the younger sibling. Such experiences from childhood become a part of a person baggage.
And when your husband has a family of his own he feels now he’s apt to be in charge. It’s his domain and things will move according to him. Becuase he is the husband, his conscience says that he has authority over you.
If this is the case with your husband, don’t blame him completely. More than anger and hurt you should have sympathy for him.
Sympathy because he didn’t experience a beautiful, open and confident childhood.
3. Have You Mistaken his Intense Participation in the Relationship for Control?
Like I said above, there’s a very fine difference between attention and control. It’s likely you are mistaken.
Sometimes women have super husbands in their lives.
Husbands who are good at finances, involved in the house, dedicated to the kids, possessive about their family in front of others and most importantly give 100%attention to the tiniest details in the house.
Often such super husbands are mistaken for controlling husbands.
In fact, I have seen that other women who don’t have such super husbands often get jealous and try to brainwash the lucky ones with sickening stuff.
For example when you tell “My hubby does all the grocery, I don’t have to bother” a toxic woman will say “Isn’t he too controlling” Or “Does he trust you with finances” “I like to be in charge myself.”
My basic and simple advice for you is that stay away from these women. They will make your life hell and if you have a soft corner for them (could be your mother, sister, friend) they are the controllers……Stay Away!
When your husband wants you to look the best, when he wants the best for the kids, when he wants to do the grocery so you can save time for some other stuff or he enjoys doing grocery.
When he shares his opinions over each and everything in the house or when he gets angry when you were negligent with the kids.
All these actions clearly explain you are not living with a controlling husband, but a really amazing super husband!
4. Are You the Reason for Living with a Controlling Husband
In the first few years of marriage did you actually enjoy going by his choice. Before every party, you would ask him what to wear? Where to go for dinner? Did you always ask him what to cook ? Did you never even try to manage finances since you thought its far better to be free than tied up with responsibility?
If you have carried out these practices for a long time, then you could be the reason for living with a controlling husband and your husband is now used to it.
Although in the early years of marriage your husband really loved this attention from you but now its business as usual.
After 8 years of marriage or even more this practice is now routine for your husband. But you are raising questions like, “Where is my identity, my choice my freedom?” And your sudden confrontations only bother him and most probably you end up arguing.
But if this is the case then think calmly about it. One cannot give up old habits easily. It takes time, therapy and patience to change habits.
5.You Can Help Him Out
Living with a controlling husband can make things worse in your marriage. But because you want to save your marriage and wish to live a fulfilled life, you need to start acting on it.
Don’t Get frustrated and Stay Calm
Rolling eyes, stubborn body language, and an overall dissatisfied attitude will further push your husband away.
And this distance will widen the gap between making him understand his behavior
Avoid Conflicts and Arguments…At All Costs
Your husband has a problem and you don’t want to make it worse, so you simply avoid heated arguments. If he insists you wear those red shoes , you wear them but calmly say, “I find the black ones more comfortable but because it’s your wish I will wear red.”
This way you create a tiny gate of empathy in his heart.
And every time he tries to control you, you follow the same plan of calmly letting him know of your choice but also stating that I am doing this for you with a smile on your face.
The chances are that after some time your husband inquires about your choice.
If your husband is chronically controlling then get help.
6.When to Go for Divorce
After trying everything from changing your ways, therapy, and counseling and waiting for many years, you don’t see any improvement or if the condition worsens then you should think about divorce.
If he becomes physically violent and treats you like a submissive servant then opting for divorce can be a safer option.
In the meanwhile, you can do some meditation, try to remain focused on your life, take out time for yourself and don’t give up hope easily.